Reflection's and unpacking
It has been difficult enough to deal with day to day things recently, not because it’s hard to face my past but reflecting on the traumas of my past to make a change for the better has truly shown me that healing isn’t easy. I have talked about my mother, why I don’t trust men, my anger issues, my daddy issues with abandonment, and my triggers that stem from the lack of communication. None of these things were easy for me to discuss especially on air but I needed to expose the rough and vulnerable parts of me if I ever want to unpack them and heal. This is something necessary to have more healthy and fulfilling relationships. In any capacity. I am honestly proud of myself for having the courage to face this head-on and evolve into what I want my life to look like. My anger was a big problem for me growing up and it seemed like as a kid other kids would think that making fun of the fact that my mother and father died was all fun and games until I took that same pain they tried to remind me that I was going through and inflicted it upon them. I would get what they may call blackout angry because of my affliction and not at all knowing how to deal with it. This is not at all something that I am proud of and my pain only fluctuated with each fight because I knew this wasn’t something that would honor my parents or make them proud. I know that I am far from perfection but I have done so much work to get where I am today and there is always room for improvement, I want to give myself a moment of victory for where I am going to be just by unpacking this with you all. I have been known to isolate myself for a while. I mean there is nothing I want more than to be the person who is funny, charming, and smooth. I wasn't always that girl, I don’t know if it’s because I am my mother’s only child so it put me at an advantage to like peace more than others but there has always been more to me than that. Isolating and giving myself a chance for reflection. Sometimes it would spiral into a depression and not wanting to speak to anyone for a substantial time. I lived in that dark quiet place, that unreachable place where my head and my heart would battle while I cut the world off. I made the choice a long time ago that I had to leave that place and never return. I would be lying if I didn’t say it didn’t get a little dark. Some days but I always make sure to shine a light on the darkness by any means necessary. I am not my punching bag anymore. I truly let whatever it is that is trying to take president over my life and I expose it to as much light and attention as it would take to make this life of mine as happy and fulfilled as it can be. I found ways to mourn my mother by honoring her. I don’t ever want her death because of sickle cell anemia to be in vain. People will know and understand the struggle and the pain she had to endure as not only a patient but as a mother who faced her trials and tribulations. It wasn't until I became a mother myself that I didn’t realize the impact having a child can have on your life and the difference in your fight to live to survive even a deadly disease. She deserved a normal life and she was far from perfect but she taught me love, kindness, and perseverance. As we approach her 23rd death anniversary it has only been four years since I was forced to truly deal with her death and mourn her death in therapy. It wasn’t the talking about it that freed me from that pain and anger it was me making a video dedicated to her. I had the opportunity to use the very thing that I feel I got after losing her which was my gift and talent for creating and writing to create a poem and video dedicated to her. I did this from my heart and the words I spoke in that poem were everything I was feeling about her death and more. Although I am on this journey to healing love and life I am grateful that I am nowhere I use to be.