My grandparents... The blueprint for love.
Unpacking my Past.
It has been a very long road to unpacking my past. Last week I talked about my grandfather and the episode before that I talked about my grandmother the two people who are pivotal in me being the woman I am today. I look back and see and blueprint of what true love should look like. How a man is supposed to treat you and your children and carry themselves. I also learned that it is okay to be vulnerable and admit to those you love you need help. I have so many lessons from my grandmother sometimes I have to sit back and take a moment to reflect on all that she taught me. I also learned things from her that she wasn’t necessarily trying to teach me. I am sure she never meant for me to learn to be her caretaker at such a young age but that is a responsibility I assumed without haste. I mean whether she knows it or not. She taught me that you have to unpack all of these things in order to grow and become a better person. She is the main reason I chose to go on this journey and I am doing it publicly just to prove to other women who may be afraid to face their past. It can most definitely be done.
As I reflect back on my time with my grandfather I was shown the difference between a male and a man. I saw his love, honor, sacrifice, and loyalty to my grandmother. He showed me no matter how many flaws one may have you still let the beauty in them lead in the relationship. I’m not saying that my grandfather was the perfect guy, we already talked about this last episode but he was a good man for my grandmother and he showed me there are good men out in the world.
One of the most important life lessons I learned from them was; do not settle. I have to do my very best in everything. I can’t even afford to settle for less than average from myself. This, of course, has caused pressure to be the best version of myself, and although I know that I am not there yet, I know that I am trying my very best to be my very best. When I was a child and I told my grandparents what I wanted to do with my life whether it was being a writer or making movies. They never told me it was impossible. They somehow made it all seem attainable regardless of the illness that afflicted my life. I mean I never heard them one time say I couldn’t do anything because of my sickle cell. I truly appreciate them for that. Now that is how I live my life. Nothing is unattainable. As long as I put my mind to it, it can be done. I am truly blessed to have this mindset. I inherited my grandmother’s strength, her beauty, and nothing is impossible attitude. Although sometimes I think it may actually get me in a bit of trouble. I am reminded that I am my ancestors’ wildest dreams. The things they could only imagine I can in fact fulfill. That is what keeps me going.
My triggers are apart of me. I am working on them and honestly, I probably won’t ever get them completely gone but just the mere fact that I can acknowledge the things about me that need work and not make excuses like, this is who I am-take it or leave it. I know that it will only get me closer to my best self. I know that sleeping is something I have a hard time doing so I do what I can to go to sleep at a decent hour. Some days it doesn’t work but I don’t beat myself up for it anymore. I have the tendency to take the role of people’s caretaker and I stop caring for myself in the process. A habit I learned while having to deal with my grandmother’s mental issues. Now I take a breath and realize that I can’t help anyone unless I help myself first, and I had to learn how to implement self-preservation into my life in order to become happy and at peace with myself. Most of all I had to realize that it wasn’t my job to fix broken people. I could only help those who truly wanted to help themselves. Otherwise, the only choice is to keep bettering myself in the hopes that I will attract like-minded people into my life.
All of these things that I have learned are positive things that I will be able to keep in my suitcase as tools and recognize when I will be able to use them. My relationship with my grandfather although it was far from perfect it taught me never to settle. He didn’t disrespect me or call me names so I shouldn’t allow a man to come into my life and do it. My grandfather showed me the real example of what a functional love looks like. Not at all perfect. There will be hills to climb there will be hurdles to jump but when you are in it with the right person with the right goals and values it will become the perfect love story for you. In sickness and in health my grandfather stood right by my grandmother to the very end. He didn’t let his fear of his past dictate the kind of future he was going to have with my grandmother. There aren’t very many negative situations that I have with my grandfather and as I reflect I am so happy that I had him. I mean I have always been an opinionated, creative firecracker and he was one of the only men that I could be completely and utterly myself around him. In turn, it made me realize that I couldn’t have any type of relationship with a guy that I couldn’t be completely myself around. That is definitely something I can not settle about. There are so many layers to me and they are all unique and amazing in there own way. All of the people close to me know and understand that about me. The more I learn and discover myself and my layers I realize that I am on the right path. The right man will eventually meet me on this path. In the meantime, there is no rush.