• Queen Shae

Daddy's little girl and my abandonment issues.

Topic for this week: Daddy’s girl and Abandonment issues.

Subtopics How lack of communication triggers me.

I was always the typical daddy’s girl, he was immortal to me. He was honestly the gentle giant that I loved with all of my heart. Now, my dad was not extremely tall in height. He was average for a man. His deep voice carried and shook the room whenever he said something he definitely meant. They say that your daddy is the first man a girl falls in love with.Unintentionally, he was the first man who broke my heart. At just ten years old I found out someone had shot him and even worse that he most likely wouldn’t make it. As a result, I felt there was an emptiness that only he could fill. So I wrote him a letter. I just wanted him to hear my words, but I was not allowed to see him before he passed away.

I honestly do not talk much about my father. Not because he was a bad father or because his death came three years after my mom’s. It is because bringing it up somehow does not make me feel any better. How do I truly discuss the one man in my life other than my grandfather that meant the world to me? It’s a little more difficult to be vulnerable(emotional?) about him. I also can say that I gave myself proper time to actually mourn his death, but it did not make me any less angry or frustrated with the situation.

Here I was still trying to recover emotionally from losing my mom, and my dad never faulted me for my anger. He would go against the world for me about my hard times with anger. He would have gone to battle for me if he could. He honestly did sometimes. I found myself being in this horrible dream that I could not seem to wake up from. I woke up realizing that I was not going to be able to live with my father because someone had taken him from me. There were so many reasons for my anger and aggression after losing my dad, but if I had to pinpoint it, it would be the fact that I was abandoned yet again. Not only by my mom who did not survive her deadly condition, Also by my dad who passed away too soon from a senseless crime.

Being affiliated with one of the most notorious gangs in Los Angeles, my father worked hard to try and separate me from that type of lifestyle. He has been affiliated with a gang in Los Angeles long before I was born. I never knew that side of him or saw him in that element. My dad, who always tried to be honest with me, may have been a different person to other people. To me and my family he was respectful, smart and present when it came to me. He was a man of intelligence and of substance and honest, but he also had another side of him. He was very intimidating though because he had this no nonsense vibe to him. His lifestyle ultimately was the very thing that took him away from me for good. That is where yet again, the hurt and anger kicked in. I was already very angry. I was mad at home, mad at school, and mad most of the time. The only true time I felt happy was when I could spend time with my dad and was able to speak about my anger without judgement.

I can remember one time when I was young, me and my second grade teacher kept getting into it. I honestly think he was trying to prove a stupid point. So in the heat of an argument one day. I told him that I was going to get my dad and he told me to get him and proceeded to make disrespectful comments. I could not wait to get home. This is not even a year after my mom’s death when this happened. I went home after school and called my dad. I told him what was said and he came and got me that same day. I spent the night at his home and went to school that morning with the biggest smirk on my face. My teacher was immediately intimidated. It was obvious, like I said my dad’s vibe and the way he carried himself made him seem twenty feet tall and his voice would shake a room. It was deep and serious. My father was always well dressed and well put together but I don’t think my teacher was paying any attention to his fashion sense. After my dad spoke to him his entire tone and demeanor had changed towards me and my dad made sure to make the point that I had just lost my mom so it would help to be patient with me. I was so proud and happy that day. The fact that he showed up and stood up for me and didn’t tolerate any type of mistreatment for his youngest child, was the best part.

I am not proclaiming my father was always perfect. We had problems happening more than I would have liked it to. I remember one of the last conversations we had. It was about what to do when he figured out that he could not come to pick me up. The lack of communication is now a trigger. The night he got shot made me feel like he had abandoned me. Forgot about me and did not check in. That was not the case this time. He ended up getting shot the night before which in fact was Father’s day.

The woman I am today, I can’t accept not communicating even if there's no explanation, just let me know for whatever reason in whatever situation instead of breaking your word. Unfortunately, for a brief moment I felt abandoned when I did not know why he was not showing up. After I found out I felt my father’s death burdened me to believe that I would always be alone, and abandoned.

Abandonment affects how close I allow myself to get to someone, especially romantically. When I have told myself constantly that whoever loves me and is present in my in my life will leave me and they are temporary. You start to believe it. I finally realized that I couldn’t keep living my life that way and it is the memories that I create with the people that is most important. I was fortunate enough to have ten years with my father and of course I would love to still have him til this day, but at least I know what it is like to have a dad to protect me, to guide me, who loved me more than anything and showed that to me. It’s something that I will cherish forever.

Abandonment issues is not a trait that I would want to take into any relationship yet alone romantically. I had this bad habit of leaving before I could ever be left. It really didn’t take much to get me to the point of leaving and not returning like… ever. I am not saying what I did was right I am simply saying that it was a time in my life that I didn’t know how to do any better. If there was something done that I didn’t like or that triggered me I left. I can say that although my last relationship didn’t end out too great I learned a lot of lessons and a lot about myself and one thing I know I learned for sure is that I am capable of staying and fighting for someone until I had nothing left. So I know that when I meet the man that is right for me I will be able to stay and not leave at the first sign of trouble.

After my father died I felt alone for a lot of reasons. My big brother came around and wanted to keep the promise that my father made to my grandma about taking me full time for a while but before he could make that happen he went to prison for life.

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